| OMG IM SO BORED |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|10:02 pm] |
So yah, I havent written in here in a million years.. but apparently I need to write in here rather than on my myspace.. so be it.
I am so bored.. I feel like all i do is sit in this house. Even tonight we went to see a movie.. but here I am, in this house, again!!!
I want to go somewhere, do sometihng fun... but.. here i fuckin sit!! woohoo yeah me.
My mom tells me this is what life is.. boredom. You find someone to spend yer life with and you sit there, bored. You watch tv, movies, and occasionally go out to dinner.. boredom.
I guess most people have kids to entertain them or something... I have animals who go thru the trash when im not home. so I get to come home, yell at a dog, and then.. you guessed it.. be bored!!!
Last night i got pissed off and i decided to "sleep".. well.. next time I should take a lil less pills when i decide to force a drug induced sleep. I took like 900 mgs of seroquel and prolly 50 mgs of Ambien.. yah, a little excessive I guess!! boy am i paying for it tho!!!! I feel like shit... I guess I like got all my fabric out and put it all over the couches and I had conversations I dont remember having, not to mention emails and blogs I wrote that were barely comprehendable, let alone do i remember writing them. And I drove on top of all that. OOPS!!!
Mark got mad at me for the pill thing.. which yah, he has a right to do.. but he asks how its any better than him drinking.. well.. its not, but if you want to get technical i only do that occasionally and the only difference between popping pills and drinking is popping pills is technically "illegal" i guess. I know I shouldnt do it.. but when i want to escape, i dont know what else to do. I guess i should just stop running from my problems.. but that seems too easy to do.
I just want to go out.. I want to see my friends or something.. but all my friends have their own life and drama.. no ones life really fits my life any more. everyone seems to grow up while I havent.. nor do i want to! I mean, I still get carded buying cigarettes.. and I think i like the fact that I do (which i dont know how high they are that they cant tell im atleast over 18!) I dont want to grow up and be old.. I dont want that at all!! But I guess eventually you come to a time in life where you just have to. its fucked up!!!!
anyways... i gotta go i guess..
bye. |
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| blah |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|09:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I feel like I should be back in the hospital.. I feel like everyone is against me. I was doing okay then I read where all mighty adrienne said "hmmm. I don't think that you come from a place that you should be giving your insight on children." I was just trying to give my opinion and imput on her fucking crisis. Forgive me for trying to "help" I figure if I can save the world from one more brat, why not? I shouldn't give insite on children, and what in the world is that supposed to mean? I love children, I just hate brats! Its only obvious where this situation is going..
I just think if she didnt like what I had to say she didnt have to reply at all, or she could simpley of said "thanks for your imput" and left it at that.. but instead she'd rather be a fucking bitch and start shit.. so fucking be it! One less person to care about in this world.
bitches make the world go round.
Earlier my landlord came here to yell at me about 2 liter bottles on the floor in my kitchen area and for spoiled food in the fridge.. well i have been gone almost a week and the first thing i ididnt do was run in my fridge to throw out food.. I told him id take care of it and he kept going on. so i just walked back to my room and went to shut the door and he grabbed the door and flew it open and got in my face.. so I told him basically he can fuck himself and i'll move. so he told me to give him the 30 days notice.. i said FINE!
I couldnt stop crying, but I really wanted to go to my women's group this evening... Donnie told me to quit crying and just go. it was hard tho cuz I wais so upset.
I'm so fucking fragile right now and no one gives a fuck. I dont expect people to tip toe around me but have some fucking consideration...
I guess i was just raised not to be rude... |
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| im out of the mental hospital!! |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|10:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
today at 8pm i was released from the mental hospital.. woohoo! My visit with donnie was up and then they called me to see the doc, i told him to hang on, and the doc discharged me and donnie took me home.
I'm glad to be outta there! So boring!! Plus fucking TV nazi's.. you wanna hear about a nigger.. I'll tell you about a one armed nigger! hahahahah.. he was TRASH! he would hog the tv the whole time.. i watched a weekend marathon of john fucking wayne.. he pickekd the movies.. it was bad! I was like WTF!?
I spent alotta time reading, sleeping and eating! plus waiting for donnie to come visit me. The fucker kept forgetting to bring me phone numbers i asked for so i never got to call any of my friends... but the time passed..
I felt bad cuz they released me and they didnt release my girlie megan. I felt bad having to leave her! she was all "now im all alone" I can imagine how id feel if she woulda gone home. so that sucks! we weren't all that close but we could identify with each other, being the only women there (most the time).
I was in there for 5 days.. crazy!! and the time all runs together.. i dont know one day form the next! I guess too cuz i slept a lot! they fucked with my meds and one day i never even got dressed!
im so tired.. im gonna sleep
night |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|10:44 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Word of the Day |
| | watching starting over | ] |
god i want to sleep so bad... its 10:44am and i just okwe up but i lay ther eand i cant fall back alsspe.. but i really want to right now.. i probably will try in a few cuz i can teven keep myeyes open..
im so frustrated with life right now. no one gets it.. fucking donnie is otoo busy in his own world.. i havent seen him in forever.. and when i do ede him,hat hes gonns ant sex.. well guess what, he aint getting it!@ I just think its bullshit he doesnt come to see me..
Then I have my momsaying im a hypocondriact... my friends think i ami too.. i dunno exactly who all thinks i am, but i know some people do.. i can tell by the way i telel them something how they react.. they act like ik want to find more wrong with me, no, i want to figure out what EXACTLY is wrong with me. im tire do fthem "thinkingi" what I am. if that makes me az hypocon. then i am one.. cuz i owant to know whats wong with me and fix me!!
so far tje onlyl thingsive read u p on is bipolar and adhd and i have booth of those, so how was i beimg a hypoconod if i have those things? It irratates me when people call me that.. because im so lost in lifle anodx ntohing makes sense bnut i read on the BPD and its exactly me, i mean all the issues, problems confusion, etc.. it all describes mde! so
i dunno.. fuck my mom!
I have a rash o n my cheset that wont stop itching.. its al bumpy nos :( poor me
i guees im gonna layd own
byue |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|11:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I feel so alone
The world moves on without me
I’m forgotten,
No one cares.
The pain is unbearable
I want to scream but cant
It wont go away
Why am I so empty?
I am the cause of all problems
Its me and my fucked up head
A world of problems, what is real?
Will they ever “cure” me?
When people are depressed, it makes me sane.
When someone else has to feel the pain I feel,
Someone else wants to hurt themselves,
Someone else wants to die, it makes me feel good.
I don’t want people to feel what I feel or do what I do,
I just want to know I’m not alone.
I’m not crazy.
People do feel what I feel.
I feel so fucking alone.
I have no one to talk to, no one to cry to.
No one understands
“everything will be okay”
Why does life have to hurt so bad?
Why can’t I be a dumb bimbo bouncing thru life?
Why do I need to feel?
Why can’t it all just end?
People tell me Suicide is selfish
How selfish are you to make me live through this?
I get a few moments of happiness
Only followed by many tears of sadness.
They think they know whats wrong with me
Who are they kidding? My diagnosis changes daily
I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind
Maybe its already gone.
Does everyone see how fucked up I am and I don’t know it?
Or am I the only know who knows how fucked up I am?
I am so fake, I smile and laugh when I’m with people.
I am so alone and sad when away from them all.
Is my pain visible?
God knows its real.
I really wish I knew why I was here.. at this moment, I don’t see any reasons….
NO, I’m not gonna kill myself.. so don’t freak out… |
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| Donnie... |
[Jun. 26th, 2005|01:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Going to go Crazy? Maybe. | ] |
| [ | Word of the Day |
| | Social Distortion ~ KRAB Radio | ] |
Turned out donnie was on the phone sounding all depressed cuz he was so tired from work. I guess he had forgotten to call me and when i called he had to go back downstairs so he could call me back..
I told him if yer so tired, fuckin tell me that.. dont call all fucked up and say "ill call you back" I told him he was a dipshit.. he agreed.. so yah that was all over nothing!! I'm glad tho.. I really would dlike it if she didnt find out about me like that! id like for him to leave her.. stay in the clear a month or two.. then me appear.. maybe she wouldnt realize we've been together this whole time..
Donnie read my journal... I told him he could read it awhile ago.. basically i write things in it that I ciant tell him face to face, most the time because he doesnt like to get into the topics i write about.. so i just write what im feeling and he reads it and he cant get mad cuz hes reading my journal afterall.. he doesnt like sneak or anything.. its just tehre when he wants to read it... and he is better at reading it then i thought.. i guess he read it the other day and i didnt even know it :) i guess what i wrote upset him.. he obviously didnt read the whole entry!!
I said that I wish i could just take time off from the relationship to be sure this is what i want.. but i said i was afraid to take time off cuz im afraid that i would move on because if i dont move on, ill be sitting there dwelling on him the whole time. i meant take time off until he leaves adanna.. not just take 2 days off or something..
well.. i mentioned taking time off before.. and well.. now we're taking time off.. I cried sooo fucking hard saying good bye to him yesterday. We're not gonna call or see each other for a week. Probably more like Sun-Fri or maybe sat. I want to buy a bike and i need his truck to do so.. so i guess it depends on how the week goes and how shit happens as to when ill see him next. but the ball is in my hands... hes waiting to hear from me.. hes not gonna call me or anything.. just waiting on me.
Donnie said he'd rather take this time right now then 10 years from now when we have another kid and I then decide i need time.. he said hed rather do it now then later.. so he'll deal with not having me for a week or so.
Donnie said i'm not allowed to Mope the whole time tho, i need to go out and do things outside of my box (my room)... Today in a few i'im gonna go to walmart and the post office.. then tuesday I think i'm gonna go to a mary Kay meeting to sell the stuff.. then i think i'll go to a scrapbooking meeting.. other then that i dunno what else to do.. i have no money!! He wants me to go out on a date with someone to be sure he's what i want... I dont want to do that tho.. just what i need is a guy calling me.. i just got rid of all the other guys.. i dont want new ones!
I hope this week makes sense.. I hope something comes out of it.. i hope its more then just a week of me missing him.. i hope i either decice i dont want to be with him, or i know for sure i want to be with him.. i hope its more then just missing him..
TOnight at 8pm I gotta call my psychic.. I'm hoping she has something positive to say. Id love it if she told me "this is the guy!" then I would work my ass off at this relationship.. but i know if she says "this isnt the guy" its gonna be stuck in my head till i tear this relationship apart!! hahah.. well.. not really.. but it would be in my mind... She did tell me I was going to meet a guy with a son the age of my nephew.. and donnie's son is like 2 months younger then my nephew.. I just hope she says donnies the one.. Im tired of dating and looking around.. i just want to settle down with one guy and not have to play the dating games anymore.. so i really hope hes the one. This psychis is the one that told me aaron and di wouldnt be getting married.. i wonder what she'll say about aaron this time.. i'm starting to think aaron is going to disappear from my life completely... he hasnt written me in weeks or called me in months (i told him he could call this month)... sso i think hes taking himself outta my life.. but what can i do...
Donnie talks like hes leaving adanna for sure.. he just keeps reinforcing it.. and telling me to trust him. And hes tlaking to his kids about it.. i asked, WHY HAVE YOU TOLD ME YER TALKING TO YER KIDS ABOUT IT??? I told him, i isee him as this idiodt guy who says hes leaving her but making no moves to do so.. hes not talking to his kids, nothing.. but in fact he is talking to his kids.. when i brought it up he never told me he was.. i just foudn out.. i told him if i knew that kinda stuff id feel better.. he said what happens with the kids is his fuck up.. he said this is his fault that hes going to fuck his kids up.. i told him better now then giving them 15 more years of fuck ups.. why not make their life better now, then make them live thru all the bullshit! I told him I love his kids too and I want to know whats going on with them.. i think i deserve to know what he says to them about moving out and how they react.. i mean, if they hurt donnie by saying something, i want to know so i can comfort donnie.. god knows ive taken enough child psychology classes!
Donnie and i just sat there yesterday telling each other everything that bothers us about each other.. the little things we do.. stuff we dont do.. etc! It was nice cuz i could tell him things without him getting all defensive.. the thing with D is he never does anything wrong.. if he does, he'll turn it around and make it about you.. I mean " i wouldnt have stollen a car if you woulda had the car home on time " that type of shit! nothing is his fault!! I'm getting him to realize that slowly! its just hard to get a hard headed man to realize what he does!
Then there is the whole bipolar issue.. he was saying how sometimes ill just get mad at him for something little and turn it into a huge deal where on any other day i wouldnt care.. but that day i do. .and he cant get me outta my rage.. i know i do that, but when im doing it, im not doing anything wrong.. its all him.. but the next day when i look at what happened.. i realize it was me and i was retarded!! But I dont know how not to do that stuff.. i'm gonna talk to my psychologist tuesday whne I see him cuz i dont want to do that to him..
god this lithium is making me shake.. i dont miss the shakes at all... shakes bad! :(
Last night I went off about bipolar to donnie.. he was pretending to sleep but i think he was awake.. i was high and just started crying to him about how much i hate it.. how i'm so out right blunt about me being bipolar to everyone but its really because I dont know how to deal with me being bipolar... I hate it so much and it scares me and i hate how i act, but i dont know what to do about it.. it just freaks me out that im bipolar.. that im such a fucking nut bag.. i hate how i can do something that i think is normal to find out later i was in my own world.. it seems as i'm gettin older the bipolar is getting worse.. im a little crazier.. a little more in my own world.. i dont see it getting better.. and it just scares me, will i keep getting crazier? I mean, will i be full blown crazy soon?? can donnie handle that? what if im crazy with the kids?? I dont know how to sotp being crazy.. I dont know how to stop being suicidal.. the whole thing scares me and i dont know how to stop it... sigh...
I guess i better get dressed so i can go to walmart now..fun fun...ill be back in a few hours and bored im sure.. i shouldl clean but i dont wanna hahhahah |
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| frustrated and nervous.... |
[Jun. 12th, 2005|08:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | IN LOVE!!!! | ] |
| [ | Word of the Day |
| | Watching Law & Order | ] |
I'm trying to get my room clean this weekend cuz I think this week I'll be checking myself into the looney bin. I havent gotten much done. I'm going back to the normal unorganized uncleanable me. I"m getting so frustrated trying to clean. I have all my laundry washed and in boxes, i just need to organize it all and figure out where everything will go.. I bought rubbermaid type containers to organize my clothing in, just havent been doing it. My room is bad.. its just as bad as it used to always be. When i first moved into the room i'm in i kept it pretty clean (for me) but now its as dirty as the usual danielle room is :( ANd as usual i'm too frustrated to get it clean. I dont know why i can clean other peoples messes but not my own.. i dont get that.. i can organize donnie's truck and all his shit but god forbid i clean my own shit up! fuck...
I want my room clean tho so when I come home from the hospital its all nice and clean.. plus it'll be clean while i'm gone for my kitties... Id like to get it done tonight cuz Monday Donnie wants me to ride with him at work.. and being tuesday i go to the doc and i have a feeling wednesday ill go to the hospital, monday is my only chance to spend time with donnie... I dunno..
I'm scared to go to the hospital for a few reasons.. one, what if they cant help me... what if they put me on meds worse then what im on for now.. two, what if i hate it, and three what if donnie decides i'm too fucked up for him to deal with anymore.. what if he decides to leave me while i'm in there.
I told donnie if he wants to break up with me, or if he has anything bad to tell me, do it while i'm in there so i dont have to worry about how to deal with it later on my own. I guess i'm sorta scared he'll take me up on the offer and dump my ass while i'm in there. I'm gonna talk to him more about it tomorrow and make him promise if he does dump me or if we fight while im in there.. one, dont leave me in the middle of a fight, lets get it faught out before he leaves (like if we fight during a visit or something) and two, if we break up or something, just take care of my cats and frogs till I get out atleast!!!
I"m just scared.. i'm scared that things will end or shit will happen with me in there.. I hope it doesnt.. he said it wont.. i guess that makes me feel better..
I'm really doing this hospital visit for us... I know he cant handle me when i'm suicidal.. and we're hoping that this trip there will help get me more "normal".. we're hoping that I'll be more reasonable with life.. I know he cant handle me how I am.. I thought I was doing better with life too hahaha.. you think that till yer in a real relationship where you see a person daily.. then you realize yer as fucked up as ever! I've put him thru more shit in 3 months then i've put most people thru in a life time!!
Its really funny cuz no one see's the real me.. people see me manic or depressed, but none of my friends have had to deal with me crying and screaming wanting to die so bad i dont know what to do with myself.. he's seen me like this like 2 times already.. the last time was really really bad!! He was going to admit me the last time.. like a week ago.. but I told him "i have stuff to do tomorrow..i cant be admitted" hahhahah thats like when i was put in the hospital last time... when i was there i told them "i have to go home, i haave work in the morning" hahahah...
This last time I promised Donnie on friday morning he could admit me, but as usual with my bipolar self, i felt great friday morning.. so he didnt hold me to it!! I did tell him i'd talk to my doctor about it on my next visit (this tuesday).. which is why I will.. but i know my doc will say i should go to the hospital.. he's been trying to get me to go for the last 2 months and ive said no! Atleast this time it wont be a 5150.. it'll be self admitting... I'll do it for Donnie if nothing else!!
Donnie said when i'm in the hospital he'll try and visit me every day.. I wonder what the visiting hours are there... who knows!! One good thing is the hospital is by where donnie works.. so he could easily come see me i'm sure.. so thats a good thing.. i'll miss my kitties and puppy tho!! and froggies too :)
THis weekend I had the pup... he's been a good boy.. he didnt pee anywhere so thats always good :) Hes just been loving me all weekend.. listening really good.. he makes me happy! My lil Hosey-B heehee...
Hopefully when I come outta the hospital i'll be in a good mood and normal.. hopefully i wont get depressed like i do now... who knows.. i just know july 4th is going to suck really bad for me and i'm scared i wont be able to handle it...
Usually on july 4th i spend it with Jen1's family or atleast Jen1.. we usually sell fireworks in the firework stand or we have a party at margarets house or something.. I'm with her every 4th I think. But now that we don't talk, that wont be happening. so that sucks right there.. but then I think, YEAH i have a boyfriend now.. now I wont have to be there wishing Aaron was with me.. NO, i'll have to be ALONE wishing Donnie were with me.. Donnie will be with his kids, and HER.. So I'll most likely be home alone on the 4th.. and thats prime oppurtunity to be depressed!!
I was thinking of going down to oc for the 4th and seeing what MJ is doing or something.. but my car has been running so shitty lately.. I dont even know that I should attempt that.. and money is an issue as well!! I dunno.. I guess if Donnie looks at my car and thinks its okay to go.. I will.. maybe? I dunno.. fuck!! I want to see if Donnie will fix the radiator pump before then and i'd feel better.. but thats only if he can front the money for the pump for me.
Money is such an issue for anything I want to do.. its fucked up! hahah.. I owe Jerry 582 more.. So I figured If i could pay him 250 the next two months ill be doing good.. it'll be really really tough months, but it would be so nice to have him paid off!! Plus when I "get out" i plan on going full time with my ebay stuff.. the more I sell, the more money I have and the less i have to move with me when the time comes... plus, after i get jerry paid off.. every fucking dollar i have is MINE!!!
I figure when jerry is paid off.. i could save 200 a month (and be really tight all month long) and maybe make like 100 a month with ebay.. that'll be 300 a month.. I'd like to do that for 3 months, then move.. cuz i figure my deposit for a new place will at the most be 500.. so that'll leave me with 400 in savings, and then 200 from my deposit where i am, so that'll leave me with 600 in savings.. can i do it?? That is if i can stand living here that long!! Jerry is going to drive me fucking crazy any day now!! I swear!!
If i do what I want to do, thats like 5 months till I move... Thats *MY* plan.. HOWEVER.. In August Donnie has to move.. his lease is up. I told him if he moves in with HER.. its over!!! I don't think he will.. I mean, she knows that she needs to get a job, and she knows the next apartment is just for her and the kids and hes going his own way.. so if he finds a reason why he needs to move in with her, even "for awhile" its soooooooo over!!
Donnie so frustrates me cuz him and HER know they're seperating, they talk about who gets what and what will happen.. all they do is fight with each other, they sleep in seperate rooms, hes NEVER home, yet she still relies on him to do everything, and he always jumps wheenver she tells him to.. it bugs!!
One cool thing tho, this last week, she's been calling him and he doesnt grab the phone, when he does look at it he'll be like "oh its just her" and he wont answer!! Usually he jumps up, gets dressed and runs outside to take her call.. so maybe hes slowly getting away from her.. fuck if i know!! All I know is shes not as priority as usual.. i think hes realizing i'm right and all her calls are bullshit!!
Okay, so she has this EMERGENCY.. she calls him in the middle of a work day and he just HAS TO DO something for her.. cuz its SUCH an emergency (he doesnt do it tho) She calls him and tells him (crying mind you) that he has to go get her pads cuz she started her period... Okay, what woman in her right mind isnt prepared for her period?? I mean.. When I have my period, I buy tampons the next week so i have them for the next month (or ill buy them when i get my check..) point is.. i ALWAYS have tampons!! I usually have like 2 months worth on hand at all times!! Shes done this for toilet paper too "EMERGENCY" HOW CAN YOU NOT BE PREPARED!?!??! One day she was mad at him and it was "ALL HIS FAULT" because she couldnt shit cuz there was no toilet paper.. and it "HURT SO BAD" because He didnt run home with some!! THis woman is a fucking idiot!!
Jokingly Donnie called me a "home wrecker" yesterday I told him, "no, i'm a life saver" if it wasnt for me he'd still be living with her but "seperating" and dealing with her bullshit.. instead hes living with her, seperating but has something to come home to.. me! Hes one of those people that will put up with all the bullshit you give him cuz its "comfortable".
FOr some reason, I am the ONLY person Donnie has balls with.. i dont quite get that.. Paula said cuz he cant lose anything from me, other then me.. Like he has no balls with her (without me telling him what he should do .. my balls :) hahah) he has no balls with her cuz she has his kids over him... he has no balls with his best friend/asshole boss cuz he has his friendship and job over him.. but with me.. he can be a dick to me cuz.. all he can lose is me.. cuz he always likes to just "give up" when we're fighting.. just tell me "fine its over" and i come crying back to him begging him not to leave me.. I asked him one time what he'd do if he told me it was over and i said "fine" he said "Id come crying to you begging you not to leave me" I think he plays a game with me knowing he'll win!! I told him he shouldnt play games with me cuz one day he may lose in the end.. i may be over it and tell him to kick rocks and thats it... i'll be over him!! I think he realizes I might be right cuz he doesnt say that anymore to me :) hahah i win :)
Donnie and I fight so much tho its insane.. he says we fight cuz we love each other too much.. He said we're like bulls with our horns against each others heads and he pushes and i give a little and i push and he gives a little, we just go back and forth back and forth but neither of us ever get anywhere.. I think hes right!! I told him we both have the same immaturity level and neither of us know when to make the fight more mature and give in to the other.. we're like little kids that will fight forever and end our friendship over the GI Joe. Its a bad thing :) So I told him that we need to be more mature sometimes.. so we were in a stupid fight and he yells out "yer being immature" hahha i told him, THAT WILL GET YOU NO WHERE!!!
I think we fight so much too cuz I'm so moody and bipolar. I get in a mood and i start bitching about stuff and we end up fighting. it really sucks.. which is part of the reason for the hospital visit...
Just for once in my life I found a guy I'm willing to change for.. i'm willing to do anything in the world for this man. I mean, i've taken out 3 piercings, quit smoking and started waking up at fucking 6 am for this man. Now i'm going to go to the hospital for him (and me).. I"m trying to get rid of things in my room that are childish so that when we have a place together hre doesnt need to deal with all my clutter.. I mean, i'm really trying for this one.. for once in my life i'm not just along for the ride.. i actually want something with him.. and i know he's willing to do so much for me and give me so much that i want in life. I just need this one realationship to work!!
Oh, as i was saying, his lease is up in August... I"m hoping that he and I have a place together in september or October.. and if not, then ill have my own place in november.
Donnie and I wanted to get a house (still do) but I was going to talk to him about us getting a 1 bedroom apartment for a few months or 6 months and we'll put like 800 a month away and i'll pay the rent for our 1 bedroom.. cuz we figured if we got a house, he'd pay 800 and i'd pay 400, so if we get a 1 bedroom i'll have him save like 800 and pay me like 100 or something .. so that way we can save for a bed and a couch and all the other stuff we want!!
We figured for a Cal King its going to be like $1100 for the one we want.. and the couch he wants is like $2000 Plus we figure the bedframe I want will be like $1000 or so.. so we want a lot of expensive stuff!! Plus we may need to pour some money into my car to keep it going.. So 800 a month for as long as we can stand it would be a good thing!!!
DOnnie's friend tho is building a house, and when he moves into his new house, he'll have his current house open and probably for rent. We were looking into this dudes apartments he owns, but they're just too ghetto.. so now we're thinking maybe we'll rent his house from him when the time comes. Right now his house that hes building is dirt, literally, but donnie said it should be done in 3 months.. I think longer.. but who knows!! But if we lived there his house would be like 1100 so there would be no saving for us! But id love to rent a house from one of his close friends cuz he wouldnt be on our ass about everything and we could have our animals with no problems!! The house is in a ghetto style immediate area.. but the house and the neighborhood is nice..
Donnie makes a decent amount of money each month, but after child support.. he's gonna be as broke as me!! He has a zillion kids afterall! hahha.. nah, not really, only 3.. but still 3 kids is probably a lot of money!! its hard to say.. Hes been broke as fuck lately!
SIGH.. Still typing, no cleaning.. story of my life.. i have no more excuses not to clean really.. i guess I can cook something for dinner.. but then there are no more excuses.. ...
I need to write people and let them know i may be in the hospital this week.. i'm gonna try to atleast get my clothing together tho so maybe ill clean the rest tomorrow after donnie leaves...
OH another thing on my mind.. i'm so afraid they put me on new meds that make me NOT want to have sex.. Donnie is a horny boy.. and that would be my worst thing ever to not want sex.. for once in my life i enjoy sex.. donnie is the best sex i've ever had in my whole entire "fucking" life :) Ive never had someone as good as him, hell, for like the first time in my life I orgasm during NORMAL sex!! so the last thing I want is to not want it!! Plus with his sex drive.. it would kill our relationship.. he told me he'd deal if thats what happened.. i know he wouldnt tho.. he'd miss the sex and probably leave me.. that scares me so much.. that and what if they put me on meds that make me gain more weight.. ugh!!
I want gasteric bipass or something like it.. I'm hoping to talk to my doctor about it more and get on the list to start moving in that direction.. i'm just so fat and im so tired of it.. i'm really trying to get put on meridia.. we'll see..
atleast i know donnie puts up with fat.. his wife is like 400 pounds!! so I can still gain like over 100 pounds and i'm safe :) HAHAHA and he said if i got skinny he'd still love me too.. so i'm safe either way!!
is this a compliment "i didnt think id like being with a girl with no ass, but I like it better" HAHA umm.. Thank You??
SIGH.. I guess i must go.. |
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| as usual.. |
[May. 8th, 2005|07:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
I'm trying to clean my room, as usual. and as usual i'm not having it in me to just clean. Its like I have no energy to do so. I just took my adderall so hopefully that'll help kick me up a step and I'll clean in a few.. I hope. My room is destroyed, between me and the animals. Fuckin Jose (the dog)has been going thru bags and tearing up any paper in them. Noodles knocked over boxes. I have clothing all over the room. I think Guido is the only clean one in this whole room. But guido is incredibly jealous of Jose and he gets pissy when I pet jose. I'm just like MY GOD! hahah There goes jose tearing up paper again. Puppies!!
Jose is only 6 months old so he's still learning. If he hikes his leg again on something I think I may kill him. He doesnt hike often but every now and then he will. Its mostly when he REALLY has to pee. Yesterday he did tho. He wont pee out on a leash, only if hes loose. I dont like him running around loose tho. He ran down H street yesterday (kinda busy street) he snuck thru a hole in the gate and took off. I was chasing him down the street in my PJ's.. Screaming "JOSE" hahah little fucker.
He's so cute tho!! He looks like a mini big dog. He has like dog hair, like german shepard or something just normal dog but hes like little! He has kinda a pencil type nose and he has black and brown and white on his face and his body is white with some black spots and a clipped tail, hes about like 15 inches tall or so? Hes really cute!
I want to get this room clean cuz Donnie will either be by today or tomorrow. I'm thinking more tomorrow. but I want to have this room clean by the time he comes over. I want to prove I can have a clean room. Right now hes seen nothing but me being a slob. thats not quite the impression i want to give him. Plus if i want to move anytime soon, I need to get rid of things so that I have an easier time moving. And Id hope by August if not sooner that Id be moving. So it would be nice to have some shit gone by before then.
I wish I wasnt such a packrat! It sucks being a packrat. Its the whole Adhd thing.. the "i need to save everything" attitude. I wish I could be cleaner... ahhh i suck. I wish someone would just come in here and tell me "yer getting rid of this and that.." and just make me get rid of things. I think I'm to the point that I'm able to get rid of things, I just dont know what to get rid of on my own.
Ive been looking at apartments online here in bako.. they only show like 8 on the rent.com.. pretty shitty apartments at that! I did find a cool site that has apartments near CSUB and they list like all the apartments close to there.. so thats cool cuz its the apartments that arent even advertised. So I can just go down the list and call them and then go look at them. There are a lot of apartments that are decent around here but arent advertised. So that will save me time from having to go around writing down phone numbers. There is just no pictures for me to look at.
I think we're just gonna get a 2 bedroom apartment so that my nephew and/or his kids have their own room when the time comes. I think it would make life easier having a 2 bedroom off the top. I was gonna get a 1 bedroom till he moved in with me but I'm thinking that maybe we'll just move in at the same time rather then me moving first. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything.
I'm so irratated with life! I wish I knew what was going on. I hate not knowing. Donnie said that things will happen soon, but how soon i dont know. Its hard to say. I still dont see why they cant happen NOW! If he can stay at his parents house, i guess i dont see the problem. Specially since his parents live right down the street from my house.
I guess I'm gonna try to start cleaning my room now... bye for now |
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| dogs n cats |
[May. 6th, 2005|08:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
why do dogs have to chase cats?? My dog just chased my cat down the street.. trip :) First time hes done that so far. THey're all cool together in the house, but when they're outside its a free for all or something.. noodles flew down the street with jose at his feet. I thought i lost jose, donnie would kill me :) but he came back..
When i get the cord for my digital cam, I'll send a pic of my doggie.. hes really cute.. hes a rat terrier.. I love him :) We've only had him like 2 weeks now.. hes cute tho.. im teaching him to sit, shake and walk on a leash.. he seems to learn pretty quick. hes kickin it on my bed right now.. woohoo.. ill. have someone to cuddle with :) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2005|10:28 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
my sis is in jail, AGAIN..
She Got arrested on April 22nd. fucking loser.
01
Felony
PC
4573
BRING CNTL SUB/ETC JAI
01
Felony
HS
11377(A)
POSS CONTROLLED SUBSTA
01
Felony
VC
10851(A)
VEHICLE THEFT
01
Felony
PC
496D(A)
RECEIVE STOLEN VEH
Case A:
Case Name: Mohler, Jacquelyn Darlene
Booked on: 04-26-2005 at 19:41
Warrant / Case Number: 04CF3766
Bail Amount: NO BAIL
Jurisdiction: CENTRAL JUSTICE CENTER
Arresting Agency: SHERIFF'S DEPT-JAIL
Number of Charges: 1
Count
Degree
Code
Section
Description
01
Felony
PC
1203.2
REARREST/REVOKE PROBAT |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|08:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
blah.. thats all I gotta say is blah. I came home from OC last night and was crying when I got home.. plus crying before I left. I just hate being alone and it seems like im always alone no matter what. Just like I dont want to visit aaron cuz when I leave there i'md epressed too...
I need to learn how to not be depressed.. how to stop being sad over everything and stop with my attachement issues.. I just feel so attached that thinking about leaving sucks.
It sucks not having a man at home, it sucks not having friends at home, it sucks having a shitty family.. sometimes I wonder, will I ever be happy???
I dont think moving to OC is the answer.. for one I cant afford it.. for two if i moved down there I wouldnt be anything special.. id just be another chick at the house.. atleast this way I have something to look forward to, to see my friends.. if I lived down there again id be stuck in the drama more then I already am. Plus I like school better up here and I like the life I possibly could have up here.. I hate that i could have a life up here but I dont...
I dont even know what to do with myself anymore.. do I stay away from OC or go more often or keep it the same or what?? I'm hoping when my sister moves up here life will be easier.. but I dont know.
I was trying to stay away from OC and this was the longest time without going down there and i was so overwhelmed with being around people that when i went home to be alone it was too much...
I got to spend time with my nephew, my sister, my friends, got to meet MooMoo.. just had an eventful, drunken, high weekend.. See, the depression could be coming from smoking weed and getting drunk so much too.. so its hard to say if im so depressed cuz of missing people or just a bad combo of it all.. i dont know..
I feel bad for Moo Moo cuz he just walked outside and said I looked depressed and he asked why and I turned my head cuz I didnt want himt o see me cry.. so he walked away.. then when he came back i was standing there bawling like a baby.. I told him I was sorry but he said I had nothing to be sorry about.. Then he walked in and julie came out and I cried more.. I couldnt help it.. so so many thoughs and feelings.. and I missed Aaron a lot on top of it all.. it was just too much for me at the moment.. I get like that sometimes...
I dont think anyone realizes how depressed I am here at home.. I play it off as its all good, but it really isnt.. I really am sad and depressed and alone.. I st here many nights just crying, feelingso alone... Seems like I only have friends when I"m in OC.. any other time I'm lucky to get a "hi" online. SOme talk to me, but not much... and phone calls? thats a joke and a half.. you'd think i lived in china or some shit.. no one calls me except julie...
I feel forgotten... |
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| LeGaL TwEaK!!!! |
[Feb. 16th, 2005|05:54 pm] |
Im all tweaky today! Im on LEGAL tweak! woohoo.. is it tweak or tweek?? Hmmmmm... I think its tweek..
ANyways.. Im on Adderall now and I'm all full of energy and shit! Its kinda cool.. Francesca was right, It makes you do all the stuff you usually just want to do! Its kinda odd that I do what I usualy just think I want to do..
I got up this morning and I went shopping. I got the new Eminem CD WOOHOO... and I got all the prices for the components to the car sterio system I want.. so now i can reasearch online some more about it.. woohoo!!
Got 3 letters from aaron this week.. one was fucked up and made me cry.. nothing worse then hearing the truth.. sometimes the truth hurts more than anything else.. Id rather him call me a bitch then him call me on all the bullshit I do daily.. fucker!! Oh well! hahhaha
I dont want to eat but i guess i prolly should.. i dunno... hehe.. la dee dah!!!
bye for now folks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2005|02:42 am] |
Grr.. I cant sleep :( My mind is going and going and going.. its like im tired but cant chill out.
Im lonely.. i hate being lonely.
I am going on a date on valentines doay.. i Havent been on a date in forever.. ive fucked, just not a date! Kinda scary tho, hes mentally ill, a virgin, and never been on a date!! Kinda scares me I was gonna cancel then i talked to him on the phone and he seemed cool.
Im not tired mentally, but i am physically, but i dont want to type, but i dont want to lay down either.. im so annoyed with people, im so sad and lonely, im so.. blah :(
I hate life, I hate people, I hate drama, I hate conflict, I hate lying, I hate not knowing the truth, I hate holding the future of someone else in my hands, I hate not getting the truth, I hate hearing different stories, I hate saddness, I hate it all...
sigh.
goodnight |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|11:32 pm] |
HAHHAAH dave chapelle has a "love contract" to agree with what yer gonna do in bed before hand.. i alwyas said id have a "do not cum in my mouth" contract and make guys sign it..
Chapelle is a genious.. |
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| BLAH |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|11:30 pm] |
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Here is a picture of the end result of a party I missed because of ALL THE FUCKING DRAMA... SO.. not only am I in the middle of all sorts of FUCKING SHIT THAT I SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH.... I miss kick ass parties too cuz its easier to Stay my fucking ass in bakersfield then it is to go down to OC and see all my OLD ASS FRIENDS.. DId I mention I'm really bitter????
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| Friend Disclaimer |
[Feb. 9th, 2005|10:42 pm] |
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Oh.. if im mad at over 50% of my friends.. you all are on lockdown.. kinda like prison, one person fucks up and they all pay for it... So you either have to assume yer not part of the 50% or you need to ask :P I was asked to give this disclaimer.. so there ya go.. my disclaimer! :P |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2005|07:03 pm] |
I Love that song "Lonely" by Akon. I keep getting it stuck in my head tho and listening to it over and over.. but I swear its my song..
Well I went to the doctor today.. and i knew something was gonna get fucked up.. I got him to perscribe me the ADHD meds.. He wasnt going to and I go "oh so do you plan on ignoring what the paper says???" the paper that says im ADHD... so he perscribes Adderall and I go to the pharmacy and my insurance doesnt cover it if yer over 16... So.. it looks like if I want to try the ADHD meds its gonna cost me $160 a month. Which. . I'll deal if it helps.. but im trying to find a way outta it.. MediCal said if my doc fills out a TAR form them maybe they'll cover it.. so now I gotta get my doctor to fill that out for me. SIGH.. always drama somehow or another. I had the feeling something was gonna get fucked up.. anytime im excited over something it fails.. thats life!!
Aaron called today.. right when I had to run to school.. He called 3 times, the last time was right before I got home. FIgures. Atleast I got to hear his voice, I got to hear "aaron" thats all I got to hear but its better then nothing. I so needed to talk to him too, so it really fucking sucks that I missed the call!! :( I cant wait to see him, I'm gonna try to see him in March. Hopefully it'll work.. who knows! |
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| so yah... |
[Feb. 7th, 2005|11:40 pm] |
people are fucking lame.. my "friends" im realizing arent much of a friend to me lately...
I decided...
Boyfriends = Hurt
Friends = unwanted drama
I love it when Im accused of doing shit, saying shit, or planning shit when that is NOT the case at all!
I guess I should feel special that my life is so important to them they are trying to wreck it.. whee.. i feel so special..
to all my friends, "Suck my fucking dick and like it"
My story for the day.. Francesca (another ex friend) said she always loved talking to me cuz I had a story every day..
TOdays story, I went to pay my fee's at school and they said "BOG paid them" I thought for a second, I went, "who's BOB!?!?!?" and she said "BOG" and I said "i dont know a BOB" then I found out its some funding program! hahhhahhahah... Wow, for a second I thought I had an admirer or something :P~~
Ive had a very very bipolar day today.. I was just trippin over everything, I think ill go to bed early tonight.. well.. for me atleast!!
night |
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| suicide?? I saw this is someone else journal.. though it was kinda cool... |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|11:31 pm] |
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Suicide Note (Stolen Property) You've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out. Fine--but before you kill yourself, here are some things you should know. Suicide is not usually successful. You think you know a way to guarantee it? Ask the 25 year old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone. What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leaped from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. he lives in a fog. but, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal. What about pills? Ask the 12 year old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go. what about a gun? Ask the 24 year old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hanged yourself or identify your boated body after you've drowned? Your mother? Your wife? Your son? The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain. Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, ad he may do it ten years from now. You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away. You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left. Please steal this and put it on your diary. You might save another life. |
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